The Meteor Team Book III: Part 2, in which plans and eggs are hatched.

The Meteor Team
(co-starring Dorilla and the Friendly Dragons)
Book III: Love Knows No Barriers, but Evil Cuts The Cheese.


Chapter Seven: Another Shameless Reference to Nigel Marvin

    The tall thin Englishman in the brown safari shorts peered through his binoculars with disbelief. As a celebrity wildlife adventurer and biologist, he had helped create any number of films about mythical trips to the prehistoric past. Up till now, his viewers had been quite content to swallow whatever ridiculous scenarios he had cooked up. But this was going too far. No one would ever believe that a diminutive, poo-covered elephant freely roamed the Triassic and stuck her hindquarters into unstable volcanoes before prancing off to spy on an angry mob of reptiles that were stomping on top of a small spotted lizard until it yelled “uncle.”

    Nope, there was no way the BBC or any other rational, responsible organization was going to fund this one.

On the bright side, he could probably procure a grant from the U.S. Department of Defense …

Chapter Eight: It’s Never Too Late To Join The Circus

All was quiet amongst the time-trapped reptiles. With one significant nest-building exception, they sat morosely in a loose circle and sulked silently until a timid voice finally addressed the group.

“If it makes you feel any better, I think Baby Elephant is stuck here too...” Dorilla trailed off.

“Excuse me,” growled Sawtooth, the granite-toothed bearded dragon, “But did you say ‘Baby Elephant?’ Because if you did, that’s impossible. According to the terms of her release, she has to report to her parole officer every fifteen minutes. She even has to take a strong, soapy bath beforehand too. So, there would be no time for her to mess about in the past.”

“Ha-ha,” tittered Dorilla, “‘Time,’ ‘past,’ that’s a good one, ST! But seriously, there she is, right above us on that ridge.” He then yelled in the general direction of the ridge, “Hey, Stinky Dinky, wazzup?”

“Ahem,” snorted a cranky Baby Elephant, whose brilliant cover of standing in clear view on the edge of the cliff, was now, like, totally blown, “I am not allowed to talk to any nasty old lizardy thingies, especially when they’re really tiny, stupid and spotty. So there!” She smugly reflected that those debating lessons were paying off big time.

“Just what the devil are you doing back in the Triassic, Baby Elephant?” asked the bewildered Jet, who was tiny and spotty, but not stupid.

“I want to wreak my horrible revenge upon you and the rest of your meddling team!!… So, um, any suggestions on how to do dat?” responded the petite pachyderm. She was breathless with anticipation for that silly Jet to spell out his own doom.

While Jet considered an appropriate response to this veritable black hole of idiocy, the rock formation, upon which the pint-sized peanut eater balanced so precariously, suddenly gave way. Sand, rocks and gravel flew everywhere as the huffy heffalump messily bounced her way to the valley floor, landing directly in front of the Meteor Team, Dorilla, and the six Friendly Dragons.

“No,” Baby Elephant gasped, while spitting out dust and still warm volcanic ash, “that won’t work, ‘cause some of ya can fly.”

Chapter Nine: Delgado Is Delegated

“OK, now let’s get this straight. You, Dr. Moo, are offering to send me safely back in time to find Jet and his friends if I do you that “really simple favor” you mentioned a few minutes ago?” asked the suspicious gecko.

“Yes, that is correct.”

“Hmmmm…after I’ve done this allegedly simple favor for you, then how do we get back, safely back, to the present day?”

The nefarious scientist scowled for a moment. Having had Baby Elephant as a lab mate for several months, she had forgotten that most other creatures were not so implausibly stupid.

“I suppose I can make it a round trip,” said Dr. Moo unenthusiastically.

“But how do I know I can trust you to bring us back unharmed?”

Looking offended, Dr. Moo vowed, “I swear to it over a nice fresh culture of Lactobacillus lactis.”

Although she didn’t trust this half-hearted pledge for a minute, Delgado understood full well the weakness of her bargaining position. Without Moo’s help, she might never see Jet again.

“Well, that’s really, um, reassuring… sorta… kinda… probably not… but it’s the best I’m gonna get, right?”

“Yes, that is correct.”

“Um, one last question, your inventions don’t normally explode, do they?”

Dr. Moo thought hard.

“Does turning the occupants into a zesty mix of sour cream with chives count as an explosion? Because, if not, no, they never explode.”

*Sigh* “I’ll do it. Let me put together a few supplies, then you can ship me out.”

Meanwhile, in the Triassic…

Aryna, the exceedingly irritable, expectant dragon, was finally finished building her nest. She had carefully positioned it in the shade of a huge boulder, and, at first glance, it might well have seemed comfy and peaceful. Nevertheless, because she viciously mauled anyone fool enough to come near it (predictably, everybody came near it at one time or another), upon closer inspection, it looked more like a super sized holiday wreath crossed with a train wreck.

“Gee, Snuggle Bunny, that’s just such a swell nest. Why, I’ll bet this is the best one yet! You did a spiffy job with the ferns, all right. Um, don’t you think it would be a nice idea if you coughed up Dorilla? I mean, so that he could enjoy it too?” Jaws appealed to his mate.

“I don’t think so. The fact that he was “enjoying it” as an echo chamber created my need to swallow him in the first place.”

“But, Pudding Pop, I’m pretty sure that tiny, stupid, spotted lizards aren’t good for you or the baby…”

“Oh, all right! Just keep that noisy, whistling menace away from me and my nest site!!” Arnya snapped, “By the by, on a completely unrelated subject, did you know that in ancient times, female dragons devoured their mates when they became annoying to them?”

*Gulp* “Don’t you mean ‘if’ they became annoying, my Love Bird?”

“Not really.”

Chapter Ten: The Cavalry Arrives

    To elicit sympathy from her captors, the Meteor Team, The Friendly Dragons, and Dorilla, Baby Elephant sat snorfling in the biggest pile of dirt she could find. This might have worked better as a strategy for winning over the softhearted reptiles if she wasn’t so revoltingly gross. As it was, she had the appearance and overall appeal of a dumpy gray sausage splashing about in a puddle that consisted of equal parts mud, poo, and elephant snot.

Consequently, no one felt inclined to comfort her in any way. Even the ever-friendly Dorilla refused to lend her a hankie, as he feared what exactly he might receive upon its return.

Fortunately for all concerned, after a few hours, B.E.’s nauseating sound effects were drowned out by the screeches of a dragon valiantly trying to lay an uber-massive egg while saddled with one of the narrowest reproductive tracts in the imaginary animal kingdom. For his part, Jaws paced nervously and tossed anxious glances at Aryna, but he knew better than to get anywhere near her. Everyone else prudently displayed similar caution, coming no more than a hundred and fifty feet from the laboring dragon and her nest.

Finally, one of the sea dragons bravely approached Jaws, who proved his virile dragonhood by assuming a sprinter’s start a mere one hundred and thirty feet from Arnya.

“She never had problems with the five other eggs, right?” asked RockBlast tentatively. “I mean, I don’t remember there being any problems.”

Before Jaws could answer the question, an unexpected flash of brightness strobed out across the valley floor, followed by the unmistakable scent of Roquefort cheese. The reptiles gazed around them in mute shock.

    “It was an accident,” explained the mutant pachyderm.

Without further warning, a small but sturdy lizard, kitted out with weapons, food, and survival equipment, tumbled out of a blinking ring of light that momentarily appeared next to Baby Elephant’s mud wallow.

“Hi there, everybody! My name is Delgado, and I’ve come to find Jet. Er, he wouldn’t happen to be around here anyplace, would he? Oh geez, I hope I didn’t miss him by an epoch or two…”

Chapter Eleven: The Thing About Dragons…

While Delgado hugged Jet, who blushed, and was introducing herself around to the other reptiles, the undersized elephant was slowly becoming annoyed. Here she was, looking absolutely adorable and fudgy, and not one of those disgustipating reptilimabobs were paying any attention. Instead, they were either talking to that new spotty, lizardy or cowering in fear from the crabby lady dragoon with the cute, lil’ blood-soaked nest.

It just wasn’t fair, she thought to herself with a smeary pout, but I’ll make’m stand up and take notice of the Queen of the Universe, which is me, not anyone else, and if someone says otherwise, I’ll whack’em with a dead trisauroplotz.

Baby Elephant often conversed with herself like this, as few creatures were bored and/or suicidal enough to listen to her brain dead rantings for more then fifteen seconds at a time, with Republicans in search of a nominee for the primary being the sole exception. Indeed, it’s a little known fact that, in 2004, she nearly beat George W. for the ticket but was disqualified at the last second for pooping on Dick Cheney. The disqualification occurred, not because she relieved herself on a high-ranking official, but because she showed such uncharacteristic good sense in her choice of target.

So, before she could distract herself via pointy objects, Baby Elephant decided it was time to act. The height-impaired aggravation trumpeted twice and flung herself muddily into Arnya’s nest, just in time to land on the freshly laid egg and crack it open.

As Baby Elephant smirked at the damaged dragon egg beneath her itty-bitty bottom, Aryna gave a heart-stopping shriek, causing all eyes to swivel toward her ruined nest.

“Criminey, B.E., what have you done?!!!!” yelled Jet, as he prepared himself for the coming eruption of maternal dragon displeasure.

“Aw, please cut it out, Lambie Pie, the, er, vertically challenged, heffalump has only saved us the trouble of breaking it open ourselves,” Jaws soothed.

“But I wanted to do that,” sobbed Aryna, “It’s a mother’s right!!!”

“Am I missing something here?” Jet and the rest of the non-dragons looked completely bewildered.

“Not really,” explained Siunid, one of the sea dragons, “Dragon eggs always hatch out as soon as they are laid, and if they don’t shatter immediately, the mother dragon then helps out by smacking the eggshell with her tail. Simple, really.”

“Ewwwww, who’s dis wiggly lil’ lizard underneath me? It’s, like, pokin’ me with it’s icky scalyies!”

“GET OFF OF MY BABY!”

It was impossible for a dragon to look or sound more primally enraged than Aryna did now. Even a critter as mentally deficient as Baby Elephant could clearly recognize and appreciate this. Besides, Baby Elephant hated water in all of its forms, especially scalding hot vapor blown out with enough force to melt carbon steel.

“Yessum,” She slid off the baby dragon, which was busily trying to impale her with its tiny, soft hornlets.

Still keeping a respectful distance, the rest of the enraptured reptilian crew peppered the new mother with questions. Jaws, the proud papa, provided the answers with uncharacteristic brevity (probably because his throat was still hurting, and lozenges would not invented for another hundred million years).

“Is it a boy or a girl,” someone asked excitedly.

“At this age, it’s quite hard to tell,’ Jaws admittedly with some embarrassment, “But we’ll love it either way, right, Sugarlips?”

“It’s so small, what does it eat?” queried Hotwheels.

“Rabbits, mostly, small fuzzy cute ones. You see, little bunnies have rubbery bones and so are easier to chew,” explained Jaws.

“Sooooo, whatcha gonna name the pink and green little dude or dudette?” asked Dorilla, the first to sidle up to the nest after Jaws.

    Arnya smiled dreamily, “His/her name is … Deathwing. Isn’t s/he the sweetest, most beautiful little baby in the whole, entire world?”

“Yeah, sure, lady, whatever. Can I squish it now?” a dinky, insignificant voice anxiously cut in.

*CHOMP*

Chapter Twelve: Baby Elephant Hits the Fan.

It took time, but finally the combined efforts of the Meteor Team, Dorilla, Delgado, and the remaining Friendly Dragons allowed them to drag Baby Elephant free from Aryna’s gaping maw. They were not concerned about the fate of the runty pachyderm, understand, but feared that swallowing such vile and offensive mouthful would permanently impair the mother dragon’s health.

“It’s about time ya pulled me outta there, ya meanies,” scolded said mouthful. “Oh, by the way, cranky lady, you should really brush more; ya got more plaque on yer tooffers than I gots dung beetles on my shi….”

“Now that will be enough of that,” Jet sternly broke in. “We have an impressionable baby with us. No obscenity will be tolerated.”

“Well, crap, does that mean I can’t hang wit ya no more, even if I keep quiet?”

“Wow, she got it in one; she must be taking supplements,” replied Hotwheels.

“Um, wait, friends,” said Delgado hastily, “I’m sure that the elephant didn’t mean any harm. She’ll be a good girl for the rest of the adventure, now won’t you?” That last plea was aimed at Baby Elephant herself.

Twenty minutes later the laughter finally died down enough for further conversation. Wiping away tears of hilarity with her undersized feet, Baby Elephant choked out: “Haaa, Haaa, Haaa… You, *wheeze* new lizardy, are as funny as a bucket of sea monkeys! Hee-hee-hee”

“Not to be picky, but don’t you mean a “barrel’ of monkeys?” asked Delgado, glad for any distraction.

“Not when I’m done wit the scaly lil’ creeps; besides, barrels leak like a
motherfu … whoa!”

Luckily enough, a ground-shaking explosion disrupted Baby Elephant’s profane seafood recipes. Unluckily enough, this same thunderous noise immediately heralded a massive volcanic eruption. Without further notice, a harsh cloud of ash blew towards our heroes, and lava began to flow into the valley from the encircling mountain range.

Post By Lisa with a tale of dragons, hormonal mothers and other monsters. Wed Feb 21, 2007 at 12:03:54 am EST	Subject The Meteor Team Book III: Part 2, in which plans and eggs are hatched.

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